Transformation:

Becoming Who I was Meant to Be

Since the devastating loss of my son Kevin, my world has been turned upside down. In navigating this profound grief, I’ve encountered many truths, particularly thoughts on the nature of control and the inevitability of change. Just like a river that carves new paths over time, my grief has reshaped my life in ways I never thought possible. These are two topics I discussed in my previous blogs.

Yet, this journey of transformation goes even deeper. It reaches into those quiet spaces where faith intertwines with brokenness, and where true healing begins, not from the circumstances around us, but from the feelings and reflections within us.

Transformation is the sacred unfolding that begins when we surrender control, embrace change, and allow God to work in the depths of our souls.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…” – Romans 12:2

Control: What We Can and Can’t

I used to believe that if I loved enough, prayed enough, showed up enough, I could save my son. But healing was never mine to control. Letting go of that illusion came through tears, guilt, and sleepless nights; I wasn’t sure I could survive. Yet in surrender, I found peace, not because I understood everything, but because I trusted that God was still with me, even in silence. Control taught me where my power ends and where trust begins.

Change: The River That Moves Us

In The River of Change, I shared how grief reshaped my identity. Change is constant—seasons shift, people come and go, and life keeps moving forward. The person I was before Kevin died is not the person I am today. Change disrupts our certainty, but it also makes space for something more honest and authentic to emerge. While uncomfortable, change is often the very path that leads us to who we were always meant to become.

The Catalyst: Death and Grief

Sometimes we’re pushed into a new beginning by a loss we never asked for—a dream, a relationship, a plan, or someone we deeply love. When Kevin died, it felt like everything stopped. For a long time, it seemed like the end of everything I knew.

But over time, I began to understand that his death wasn’t the end of his story or mine. It became a turning point. One I would never have chosen, but one that transformed me in ways I never could have imagined. Pain like that doesn’t leave you unchanged. It breaks you open.

And in that opening, something begins to grow, a quiet transformation that shapes me into someone stronger, softer, and more whole. Grief isn’t a detour on my spiritual path. It is the path. It’s sacred ground where transformation takes root.

I have learned to honor my grief by listening to it rather than silencing it. I don’t carry my grief as a burden; instead, it serves as evidence of my capacity to love. My love for Kevin has not faded in his absence; in fact, it has deepened in his eternal presence.

Transforming and Becoming

True transformation doesn’t happen easily. It unfolds in the messy, complicated spaces of life, when we’re raw, unsure, and broken wide open. It’s a lifelong journey marked by a sacred rhythm of letting go and beginning again. And that journey calls for resilience.

I often see resilience in my granddaughters, their fearless spirits, their ability to fall, cry, and bounce back. It reminds me: resilience is something we’re born with. It’s not naïve, it’s wholehearted, trusting, and genuine.

Resilience doesn’t mean avoiding pain. It means sitting with it, breathing through it, and still choosing love and hope in the middle of it. The pain I feel is a reflection of my love for Kevin. Though time may soften it, I still welcome it when it returns.

It’s the quiet courage of waking up with a broken heart and still showing up—tender, strong, and open. This journey has also taught me how to hold space for others who grieve. Grief groups and close friendships have become sacred spaces of healing. Support groups, in particular, offer wisdom gained from lived experience. They provide tools, validation, and encouragement, reminding me that I am not alone.

Transformation isn't about erasing the past, but it's about finding new meaning in it. I understand how deep pain can affect us, but I’ve come to realize that my memories can also be viewed through a lens of wisdom. I've learned the importance of treating myself with kindness, listening to my needs with compassion, and deepening my trust in God.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…” – Romans 12:2

I see transformation as a beautiful journey, much like that of a butterfly. It's a process that unfolds from within, and I understand how challenging it can be. I’m learning to embrace the life that is emerging for me. Letting go of false identities and limiting beliefs was a difficult but necessary first step. And then, like many of us, I found myself asking: What comes next?

Now that I have let go of what no longer serves me, I am ready to move forward in a new direction. It feels like clearing out a wardrobe filled with clothes that no longer fit. I stand before the sacred closet of my soul, prepared to choose something new—something that truly reflects the woman I am becoming.

I understand that there have been times when change felt impossible. Many of us have experienced those moments of doubt. Yet, I have come to embrace resilience, interwoven with hope and wrapped in grace. Transformation is not just a concept; it’s a vital part of our healing journey. It allows us to reconnect with life and to gently rebuild what may have once seemed too broken to mend.

"Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future." — Deepak Chopra

To Those Who Grieve: You Are Not Alone

If you’ve experienced the unimaginable pain of losing a child to suicide or another heartbreaking reason, or if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by a life that feels burdensome and unchosen, please take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Your feelings are valid, and there is support available for you in this difficult time.

Transformation is a delicate and sacred journey. It’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and to shed tears along the way. Remember, it’s okay not to have all the answers right now. Be gentle with yourself and allow grace in. Let go of what is beyond your control, and trust in the process, knowing that God is lovingly shaping you into the person you are meant to be. You are not alone in this, and it's okay to take your time.

If these words speak to your heart, share them with someone who may need comfort, hope, and truth today.

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