The 3 Cs of Grief - Challenge, Change, and Connections

Human connection is healing.

Grief is the intense sadness arising from tragic events, such as death or job loss. The word " grief " originates from the Latin "gravare," which means to make heavy. " Gravare " derives from the Latin word " gravis, " meaning weighty. Mourning is the expression of profound sorrow for someone who has died and usually involves certain rituals, such as wearing black clothing or keeping photos of the deceased out of sight in your home. (Dictionary.com) I have recognized the significance of the 3 Cs of grief: challenge, change, and connection.

Challenge. Facing the harsh reality that a loved one is gone forever is profoundly challenging. The big question arises: How do we live without our loved ones? Life will never be the same as we imagined or planned. This journey involves riding the wave of pain and navigating the complexities of grief. It encompasses the stages of grief identified by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), which I will discuss in detail in a later blog.

One of the challenges lies in laying the groundwork for the grieving process, which fosters deeper emotional and psychological growth following your loss. You may find yourself questioning your beliefs, the meaning of life, and the inevitability of death. While many aspects of life are impermanent, the finality of death instills a unique sense of starkness.

It can be disheartening to observe how society often treats the topic of death. Even medical professionals strive to ease the pain of losing a loved one. Before losing my son, I experienced the deaths of my 23-year-old niece, my mother, and my mother-in-law. While I grieved for them and missed them, I am faced with the profound pain that accompanied my son's suicide, and it has become a significant struggle on most days.

Change. Adapting to the harsh reality of living without my son has been a challenging journey. Some days, I manage life better by keeping myself busy. Spending time with my granddaughters gives me a sense of purpose; their presence infuses new energy and meaning into even the most straightforward aspects of life. I feel less disoriented and dwell less on feelings of isolation and loneliness. Embracing the void that exists and reminding myself that this is my new normal without my son has helped me grow in my grief.

Since his passing, I have retired from work, recognizing that I lack the mental capacity to function as I need to. While change can be uncomfortable and challenging, it also presents opportunities for transformation. I have become actively involved in Bible study and volunteer for various organizations.

Through this journey, we can become heroes if we permit ourselves, as Joseph Campbell explores in "The Hero with a Thousand Faces." The hero's journey entails leaving behind the familiar—often a world defined by loss—and learning to navigate an unknown environment. In time, the hero returns to the familiar, transformed and shaped by love and loss. Being fully present in my vulnerability allows me to be there for others and make room for life's uncertainties as they arise. We become more attuned to our inner selves, live with awareness, and find depth in the little moments, like drinking warm tea or chatting with a close friend, which becomes profoundly significant. Sharing, discussing treasured memories, and setting rituals, like keeping a candle lit every night for my son, are forms of change.

Connection. I have found that having a community that understands and holds sacred space for your grief and loss is vital. Connecting means showing up and being present. Silence is golden. My son isolated himself during difficult days because of his mental anguish, as it is part of the illness. Communicating and connecting with family, friends, support groups, therapists, and counselors is critical. We need human connection. Opening up and discussing your loss and trauma with others who understand is comforting. We need to be seen and heard. Avoiding pain can stem from fear and weakness. There is freedom in reality.

I connected with my faith and sought comfort in spirituality. I find solace and peace in God and use His word to soothe the suffering. Joshua 1:9 says to be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. 

I use the music, artwork, and woodwork my son left as connections to preserve his legacy, ensure that Kevin's life matters, and that our bond has transformed even in his untimely death. While I am NOT grateful for the loss, I am thankful for the perspective. I appreciate being present with others and acknowledging their pain and suffering. I empathize because I can connect with devastation and the lifelong journey. Of course, I would give up all this understanding to bring back my son and others. Life teaches us that loss is inevitable, and understanding this is key to grasping what it truly means to live.

That brings me to where I am now: trying to figure out how to move on and make it my own. I want to reconnect with my life passions, the things that bring me joy and meaning. Grief can quickly and profoundly draw us into the abstract realm of memories, should-haves, what-ifs, and rumination. While vulnerability is necessary, one cannot move on if stuck in it. Everyone, even children, needs to be seen, heard, and understood, and as a bereaved mom, I know the importance of empathetic and compassionate connection.

If you are mourning various losses, try setting aside specific times to honor each one, allowing yourself to entirely process any emotions that arise during those moments. Challenges, change, and connection provide avenues for navigating grief.