Words That Hurt and Words That Heal

What (Not) to Say to Someone in Grief

Helpful Support

Navigating the complicated emotions of grief can feel like a rollercoaster; there are uplifting moments, but also challenging ones. Many people genuinely want to support those who are grieving, but they may not realize that sometimes their well-meaning words can unintentionally cause more pain.

When someone is grieving, offering specific support can make a real difference. It’s considerate to ask how you can help; however, it’s essential to remember that those who are mourning might find it challenging to articulate their needs clearly. Instead of saying things like “Please let me know if you need anything,” try proposing specific ways to assist, such as bringing a meal or running errands. These targeted, thoughtful actions can mean a lot during difficult times and help you offer meaningful support.

After I lost my son, Kevin, I heard many phrases that felt overwhelming, even though they came from a kind place. Comments like “God needed another angel” or “He’s in a better place”—who cares if Kevin is in a better place? I want him here with me, with us, not where I can't see him, talk to him, cook for him, or hug him.

It's essential to share insights on which phrases to avoid and those that genuinely provide comfort and reassurance. It’s not about criticism; instead, it’s about enhancing our understanding of how to support one another during life's most heartbreaking loss.

I remember reflecting on my grandmother’s grief. As a child, I couldn’t fully grasp the depth of her sorrow, but now, as an adult, I see her pain more clearly. She experienced significant losses, including her husband and both of her sons. While others encouraged her to be grateful for her grandchildren, the burden of her grief was understandably heavy. Dismissive comments often stem from others' discomfort rather than from meanness.

Sometimes, people try to comfort others by downplaying grief with spiritual phrases like “It was God’s will” or “Have faith; God has a plan.” My question is, why is this God's plan? Why does He want me to suffer? I even started to doubt God's love and salvation. My faith grew weak. Stay away from simple sayings about God. Even with good intentions, these words fall short of doing justice to the profound heartbreak and overwhelming sorrow they evoke.

Similarly, comments that start with "at least" are seen as dismissive. For example, saying “At least, you still have another child" is hurtful because I want both of my children here, on earth, with me, and we can't compare one life to another. Kevin's life is also vital.

It is essential to remember that everyone’s grieving journey is unique; it doesn’t follow a predetermined path. Grief isn’t something to fix or make easier. Phrases like “You should be over this by now” or “It’s time to move on” can imply an unrealistic timeline for grief that doesn’t reflect its true complexity. Grief is a multifaceted and complex phenomenon, influenced by personal histories, diverse backgrounds, and varied experiences.

The idea that staying busy can somehow heal a broken heart can be misleading and might lead to deeper pain later on. After Kevin’s passing, suggestions like “Just keep busy” or “He made his choice” were hard to hear, especially since it was a death by suicide. Mental illness wasn't of his choosing. Crying makes people uncomfortable, and they often say, Don't cry. But I can't stop crying, and I don't want to. I used to think that crying is a weakness, but it’s not. This one gets me: "You need to be strong now." What does that even mean in grief?

We must recognize that grief is part of loss, and there are no quick fixes. It’s a journey that requires time and patience. Accepting this and being patient with the bereaved is a crucial part of providing support.

I also remember instances where conversations would quickly divert from my loss due to discomfort. People would ask how I was, then hurriedly change the subject, seemingly to avoid the complex reality of sadness.

While silence can feel awkward, it allows us "to be." We don’t need to have all the answers; simply being present for one another and offering a caring shoulder can be deeply meaningful. Often, what makes the most significant difference is just having someone willing to listen and show genuine compassion.

Words That Help and Hold Us

Validating the pain:

• I truly empathize with what you're going through.

• Your loss is profoundly heartbreaking, and it’s okay to feel that pain.

• I acknowledge your feelings; they are authentic.

• It’s perfectly normal not to feel okay right now.

Remembering our loved one:

• I’d love to hear about Kevin. What are some of your favorite memories of him?

• His life had purpose, and his story is vital.

• Feel free to share your thoughts about him anytime; I’m here to listen.

Being present without fixing:

• I’m here. You don’t have to go through this alone.

• There’s no timeline for grief. Take all the time you need.

• I won’t try to fix it. I’ll sit with you.

Offering Specific Support:

• Would you like me to bring you a meal this week?

• Want to go for a walk together? The fresh air can be revitalizing.

• I’m heading to the store; is there anything I can get for you?

• I can check in with you via text every few days if that would help.

Spiritual comfort without clichés:

• Remember, God sees your tears and cares deeply about your pain. (Psalm 56:8)

• Even in your darkest times, you are never really alone. God is always with you.

• It’s okay not to have all the answers; what matters is that you feel supported.

• I believe God grieves alongside you in this difficult time.

• Jesus shared in our sorrows, and He is with you now.

Affirming our ongoing love:

• You will always have that special bond as his mother.

• Love continues to exist beyond loss; you always carry him with you.

• Your grief is a reflection of the deep love you shared.

The Power of Presence

Sometimes the most impactful thing you can say to someone in grief is, "I’m here for you. I love you. I won’t look away. I will sit with you." Your presence can be a profound source of comfort.

After Kevin's passing, we undertook a significant move to a new state for my husband's job, which presented its own set of challenges. Navigating our grief mostly on our own with our daughter was tough, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic. However, regular phone calls from friends and family did wonders for my husband and me in our darkest hours of loneliness and pain. Visits from loved ones wrapped us in a comforting embrace of support and love that we truly cherished.

If you’re in a position to support someone who is grieving, focus on showing love rather than searching for the perfect words to say. Your compassion is what will resonate most. If you are the one suffering, remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your pain or a justification for your tears. You are not a burden; your feelings are valid and vital. While some phrases may be intended to comfort, they can sometimes lack depth and fail to convey genuine empathy. Often, they are used to fill uncomfortable silences when we are unsure how to respond to someone’s struggles.

Recognize that we cannot instantly “fix” another person's situation. Instead, acknowledging their feelings and being present to help alleviate the sense of isolation in sorrow. Platitudes can often stem from the discomfort of those speaking them, as they navigate emotionally difficult conversations.

The value of being present is highlighted in many situations, as seen in the story of Jesus comforting Mary and Martha after Lazarus’s passing. Jesus, renowned for his profound understanding of grief, provided more than sympathy; it was his comforting presence that truly resonated with those who grieved.

When we reach out to others, we nurture a truly invaluable space of support. And if you can’t be there in person, that’s perfectly okay! A simple phone call, a heartfelt message, or a warm note can carry immense love and connection. I’ve experienced this firsthand, and it has made a remarkable difference in my healing journey. Let’s continue to uplift one another!

Our words possess incredible power, especially during tough times! Let’s spread kindness, make a positive impact, and remind one another that it’s perfectly okay to grieve and we are never alone on this journey! People often hold dear the memories of those who stood beside them, much more than the words spoken.

Please refer to the chart for guidance on what to say and what not to say to someone who is grieving.