Forgiveness after loss

Forgive to make room for peace

There are many ways to understand the process of forgiveness, and how you come to terms with it will depend on your situation and context. Grief and forgiveness are closely connected; allowing yourself to forgive after a significant or tragic loss leads to healing and peace.

Human forgiveness

Making a conscious effort to forgive someone who has hurt you can be incredibly liberating yet challenging. This process takes time; however, it allows you to stop letting others occupy space in your mind for free and helps prevent bitterness and resentment from taking root. It's essential to face the issue, but that doesn't necessarily mean forgetting the pain; it means letting go on a natural level.

Peeling away the layers of emotional turmoil and disentangling oneself from the selfishness of those who perceive the world through a lens centered entirely on themselves requires immense internal strength and a commitment to well-being. This journey often involves confronting uncomfortable truths about oneself as well. Therapy and group sessions can illuminate what we must relinquish to find true freedom from these burdens.

As we confront past hurts and allow them to surface, be intentional—actively process and release the deep-seated emotions that have long been trapped within our bodies. Mahatma Gandhi encapsulated this poignant truth: "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

What forgiveness is and what it isn't

Forgiveness does not excuse harmful behavior; instead, it involves resisting resentment toward someone who has unjustly caused pain and sadness. Forgiveness encourages offering undeserved qualities such as compassion, generosity, and even love for that person (Enright and North, 1998). It does not require the offender to apologize or acknowledge the harm. It is a deliberate effort on your part to release the pain and resentment when the time is right. It is an inward journey that frees oneself from hurt and negativity, allowing for personal growth and inner peace.

Honor your emotions 

Honoring and embracing human emotions is essential, but it is also wise to consciously strive to become a better person instead of being consumed by anger, which can create dependency on the offender. We are all flawed individuals; some may deny this reality, but it remains true. By shifting our perspective, we humanize ourselves and cultivate compassion and empathy for our feelings.

In the early years following Kevin's death, I experienced a great deal of guilt for not recognizing the depth of his pain. I often wondered if I could have done something differently to help him. Perhaps he would still be alive if we hadn't planned to move to a different state. I questioned whether my encouragement for him to go out and find a job or to socialize contributed to his deep depression and increased his stress. I felt overwhelmed by thinking, "What if I had done things differently?" I also have negative feelings towards some friends who were unkind to Kevin through their words or actions. I have since learned that forgiveness is about releasing guilt and blame rather than allowing them to dictate my peace.

Focusing on whom or what to blame can lead to a dark and lonely path, leaving one in hopelessness and despair. The truth is, nothing can reverse what has already happened or change the horrific tragedy or loss.

Forgive through grace

The scriptures emphasize the importance of forgiving one another and encourage us to be kind and compassionate toward each other. Easter serves as a powerful reminder of the significance of forgiveness. As Jesus was crucified, He asked God to forgive those who were responsible for His death, pleading on their behalf, "for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34).

Spring is associated with Easter, a season of renewal and rebirth in nature. Trees begin to grow, flowers bloom, and we feel a sense of hope and joy as winter fades away. Embracing forgiveness for those who have wronged you can feel like stepping into a refreshing new season, especially while navigating the storms of loss. It is a powerful opportunity to renew your spirit and open the door to healing.

While no excuse exists for anyone to mistreat another, embrace grace to release all bitter feelings. Remember, forgiveness is not a one-size-fits-all process. "Forgiveness is above all a personal choice, a decision of the heart to go against the instinct to pay back evil with evil." - Pope John Paul II. While this is not easy, you can treat people better than they deserve, rise above their cruelty, release your pain to God, and pursue peace and joy.

Forgiveness and healing 

Forgiveness opens doors to acceptance. "When we forgive, we acknowledge the past without letting it define us," said Brown-Weikel. "This acknowledgment leads to a healthier form of acceptance, where we can remember the person and their actions without letting them continue to harm us emotionally."

Healing involves several vital steps: admitting one's hurt, acknowledging the pain, sharing one's story, and being present for that pain. It also includes asking for forgiveness—directly or indirectly—and granting forgiveness, along with releasing or accepting the relationship. Although these tasks may seem overwhelming at times, they are essential for our healing and for the world, as Desmond Tutu emphasizes in his book The Book of Forgiving.

Life is hard, and unfortunately, you will be hurt by what people say about you and do to you. The word "forgiveness" might trigger unpleasant, painful memories of deep hurt, making it challenging to consider forgiving them. Sometimes, it can be easy to keep score and hold on to the hurt, but doing so won't make you feel better or the other person feel worse. Ultimately, it leaves you feeling miserable and depleted.

Forgiveness is not about excusing hurtful behaviors; it's about freeing ourselves from resentment and honoring our pain while creating space for healing and growth. "Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered to forgive the one who inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness." Marianne Williamson