Does Time Heal All Wounds?

Passage of Time

In the years following the heartbreaking loss of my son, I have encountered countless pieces of advice aimed at helping me cope with my grief. A common platitude I often hear is that "time will heal" the deep pain stemming from his death. Yet, my journey over the past five years has made me realize that time alone does not alleviate my profound sadness. Instead, I have found that it is the deliberate and conscious effort to process my grief and confront my sorrow that genuinely brings about healing and understanding. This intentionality has opened the door to moments of reflection and connection, allowing me to navigate the complex emotions accompanying such a devastating loss.

I understand that for those who have not experienced a significant loss, it can be challenging to find the right words to comfort someone who is grieving. Some may genuinely believe that "time heals all wounds." Before Kevin’s death, I might have thought this saying was true and even shared it with grieving families. However, "time heals all wounds" is a cliché that often fails to provide comfort; instead, it can be a painful reminder of heartache and a stark acknowledgment of what has been taken away from your life forever.

My heart sank when someone said, "Time will heal." I couldn’t bear missing Kevin's nuances—his looks, voice, beautiful smile, laughter, music, and presence. How could that be possible? I wanted to "hold back time."

I use the passage of time and experience to help me feel better and encourage self-reflection. This allows me to embrace vulnerability, discomfort, and intense emotions. I create space for myself to be heard, seen, and validated. Acknowledging the pain of our grief rather than burying it is essential, as unaddressed pain can manifest in harmful ways throughout our bodies and lives.

I encourage you not to wait for time to make you "feel better." Instead, take a proactive approach to dealing with your loss by practicing self-compassion and self-care. One activity that helped me during the early years of my grief was daily journaling to Kevin. I wanted him to know about all the major events he was missing and how our family was coping with his loss.

I also spent quality time with my daughter and family while exploring new hobbies, such as jewelry making and designing projects on Cricut. Additionally, I began going on hikes, taking long walks, and traveling to destinations immersed in nature. Spending time in natural environments helps reduce stress, improve mood, and enhance cognitive function. These activities have become part of my new normal.

I have made a conscious effort to establish boundaries to avoid being triggered by movies containing violence or themes related to suicide loss. The recreational activities I once enjoyed no longer resonate with who I am now. I am more aware of how to use my time effectively during my grief, focusing on activities that support my healing journey rather than hinder it. We all have parts of ourselves buried so deeply that we may have consciously forgotten they exist, but on a subconscious level, they continue to influence us.

Begin by acknowledging your feelings and allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. Seek support from like-minded individuals or consider speaking with a grief specialist. I continue to attend therapy sessions and actively participate in two loss communities. It's a myth that all wounds heal solely with time; however, we can use that time to engage in specific healing activities tailored to our situations. Doing the inner work and fostering strength, courage, and honesty can significantly influence the healing process. Remember, there is no timeline for grief. 

Rose Kennedy, bereaved wife and mom of four children could not have said it better: “Time heals all wounds. I disagree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

Faith and time

Since we live in a broken world, we will experience loss at some point. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance. – Ecclesiastes 3: 4. This verse is a reminder that there is a time for weeping, mourning, processing, and moving beyond the pain of loss. Denying our pain and neglecting to address it will only prolong our suffering. When I feel discouraged, I reflect on all the moments and seasons when God has come through in His time.

A grief researcher, Lois Tonkin, presents a valuable theory that illustrates how the magnitude of one's grief remains constant over time; instead, our ability to cope with it and the new experiences we enjoy develop alongside the grief. The work of grief is not time-limited, and the pain of loss is long-lasting. Some losses are too deep for time to fix, but we learn to breathe through aches and grow around the loss.

A few phrases that help me show compassion instead of "time will heal" are:

• I am sorry you are going through this pain.

• I am thinking of you.

• It is ok to feel what you are feeling.

• I am praying for you.

• You are so brave.

• I am always here to listen.

‘Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.’ —Tori Amos”